


John Laurens: Child of Divorce

by johnllauren



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Divorce, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 12:39:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8402086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnllauren/pseuds/johnllauren
Summary: If you asked John Laurens (age 5) what love is, he would say it's what's between his parents. He'd be wrong.
If you asked John Laurens (age 14) what love is, he would say it doesn't exist. He'd be wrong.
If you ask John Laurens now (age 23) what love is, he would say it's the feeling between him and his boyfriend. And yeah, he'd be right.





	

**Author's Note:**

> a drabble i wrote on the train about divorce and also lams

If you had asked John Laurens (aged 5) what love is, he would have told you it’s what’s between his parents. And he would have meant it. The other children in his kindergarten would have said the same thing, and they would have meant it, too. 

Years later, though, John could not be so sure. He has been around to notice the yelling and the fighting and the lying, slamming, cheating, silent treatment-ing. 

He learnt during his tenth year that hiding in his room when the screaming started was the best way to wait it out. A good book should have been have been able to drown it out for him. Before his bedtime, either one or both of his parents would come into his room to say goodnight. Neither him nor his parents would mention the fighting.

Eventually he was spoken to. His parents sat him down and explained that sometimes mothers and fathers just don’t like each other anymore, and it wasn’t his fault, and it means they would stop fighting from here on in. After all, he’s told, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce nowadays. A rather depressing statistic, but a statistic that was supposed to help him. 

John spotted tons of papers on the kitchen table during the months after their conversation. He tried to read them but they were all composed of big words his small, fifth grade brain could not pronounce, let alone understand - like ‘plaintiff’ and ‘custody’. His mother moved out of his house after the divorce was ‘finalized’ and all the papers were removed from the table. He never did see those papers again.

John had remained mostly silent during a majority of this process, as he had observed it with keen eyes and ears but had not made much sense of it. He had figured it didn’t really matter to him, anyway. 

-

 

If you had asked John Laurens (aged fourteen) what love is, he would have told you that love doesn’t exist. 

Love certainly didn’t exist between his parents, and isn’t that where love was really supposed to be? Isn’t love between their parents the love that children his age were supposed to look up to? 

He barely saw or had contact with his mother, save for occasions like his birthday and Christmas cards. John was older, then, and he understood the world he formerly hadn’t. He knew that a check came in the mail every month labeled child support that was supposed to account half of everything John needed - food, clothes, affection, rent. The check was one of the only things he had left of his mother. She never really reached out to him. The first birthday without her sucked.

Even John’s father had been changed by the divorce. He had become a single father, meaning he was left to care for John by himself. John learned not to ask him for much, because most of the time he would just get the same ‘single working father’ speech. His father worked long hours, before John left for school until after dinner. John learned how to care for himself. 

John had tried to morph himself into the Perfect Child, as he had figured he could get attention and love from doing that, no matter how cliche it was. He was in all honors courses in high school, and he had an after school club every day of the week every day except Thursday. He did football during the season, too, as he thought it would make his father happy (His father came to one game, and didn’t say much about it). 

But try as he might’ve, John could not be absolutely perfect the way he wanted to be. He couldn’t handle loud noises or yelling at all, they would make his hands start to shake. He couldn’t deal with conflict, either - he opted never to fight with anyone, even if it did seem like an excellent way to take out anger. He was ashamed of the way he got so nervous that his hands shook and his chest ached and he couldn’t breathe for a few minutes. 

Divorce is so common, he told himself. Fifty percent of marriages, he told himself. John just never understood why he was so affected by something so trivial. He figured he was simply the weak one. He said nothing about it. 

John didn’t even think love existed. He could never find any examples of healthy relationships and eventually he just threw in the towel and decided love was fake. After all, he felt no desire to ‘be with’ any girls, just sometimes wanted to be friends with them. That was what he decided “love” was - the strong desire to be friends with someone of the opposite gender. That was why marriage didn’t work out sometimes. Friendships never lasted forever. This theory, of course, also explained why John occasionally thought about kissing his male friends. Marriage was just a friendship-based thing, and love does not really exist.

“Love doesn’t exist” was a bit of a depressing realization, John knew, but he didn’t really care. He considered himself a realist, and that was what’s real.

He never wanted to get married or have children. John didn’t want his children to have to go through what he did. He didn’t want to have to divorce, either, and that was what seems to happen more often than not.

John wasn’t exactly the happiest kid. 

-

If you ask John Laurens now (age 23) what love is, he says it’s what he feels for his boyfriend.

A lot has changed in nine years. John understands a lot more than he did nine years ago.

He still doesn’t know why his parents have a divorce or why his mother doesn’t talk to him. But he knows that his father’s actions aren’t his fault: the ignoring and the later abuse was never John’s fault. He isn’t exactly a firm believer in that, though, but people tell him it’s true.

He also knows that the nervousness isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s got anxiety disorder, and depression to boot. It’s not easy (very, very not easy) but he’s learning how to deal with it, with help from others that John’s learning to accept now instead of shying away from it. 

Finally, perhaps the most important understanding - love does exist, you just have to look for it and do your damn best to make it work.

John doesn’t like girls, and that’s okay. It’s taken him a long time to come to terms with that. Years of self-loathing and living in fear of his father, who he knows doesn’t approve. His father still doesn’t know, but it’s okay (he hasn’t spoken to his father in years, and he doesn’t need to - John’s studying to be a vet on a full scholarship).

So yes, John has a boyfriend now. His name is Alexander, Alexander Hamilton, and John just might love him. They’ve been together since they were eighteen years old, in their first semester of college. 

It took John a while to tell Alex about his parents and that whole kitten caboodle. He’s opened up about marriage, too - he doesn’t know he feels about it. John is pretty sure he loves Alex, but he doesn’t want that love to fade in five years. He is confused as hell about it.

But Alex understands. He says that they don’t have to get married right away if John doesn’t want to, they don’t have to get married at all.

John thinks he’s happy. He has a support system and friends and a boyfriend, he’s studying to be something he’ll enjoy, he’s come to terms with himself and his mind, and he understands more than he ever has about his parents. Maybe he’ll never know the whole truth about them, but that’s okay. He’s got a future ahead of him that doesn’t rely on someone else’s past.


End file.
